Balloons

My last grief class was this week. At the end of this final session, they gave each of us a helium balloon and a permanent marker. We each wrote a message to our loved one on the balloon, then we went outside, stood in a circle, held hands, and prayed. Then we all released our balloons. It was so beautiful! We stood and watched as they rose higher and higher and finally became just tiny specks against the clouds. It was quite an experience! I realized that it is the first time since Steve passed that I have let anything go that had to do with him. I have literally kept everything, no matter how ridiculous, and refuse to throw anything away that had anything at all to do with him. Here's an example: I have one of those small unbrellas that used to be Steve's. We never used it together, there is no little memory or anything at all to go with it, but at the same time, I know it belonged to Steve. I used it the other day, and the little black tip on the end that says "Totes" fell off. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I still have it. That's just a little black piece of trash, but I can't do it, not yet. I have to keep it. When we did the balloons, I noticed that I had an almost panic-type feeling at the thought of letting that balloon go. I wanted to take it home and keep it. I stayed with the group, though, and did let it go. I'm so glad I did, and it felt good. I still am not ready to throw anything away, but I'm ok with that. I see no reason for rushing through this process. After all, it's only been 11 weeks and 3 days.